The Chikn has asked her husband, the world-renowned Vitamin G, to stand in as blogger for today. Enjoy!
Last week, I bought "Spidey Jake" a foofy coffee and a chocolate muffin in exchange for two pounds of bacon he had gotten from a local casino. It isn't thick. It isn't exceptionally high on the meat-to-fat content ratio. It isn't peppered. From an outside view, one might conclude that Spidey got quite a deal. I might have actually turned the offer down had I seen the bacon.
Two pounds doesn't seem to last a long time when we buy it from Costco or Safeway. Almost all of that kind of bacon fits into the pan and gets consumed by my family in a single weekend morning. My daughter hunches her shoulders and squints her eyes as if she's trying to be sneaky while reaching for the coveted last slice. My son eschews his other foods and repeats continuously "wat mo bacon." I often give him a nudge to see if he'll stop skipping and start talking about something else. My wife eventually rolls her eyes and gives me a sizable portion of what she has sitting on her plate. Unfortunately, this only happens once or twice a week, since the bacon goes so quickly.
So, I'm confused. How has this bacon from Spidey (not going to call it Spidey Bacon) managed to survive two days of our family's normal consumption level? Not only did there seem to be MORE bacon on the table, it was tasty as well. On top of that, we have apparently only used half of the package.
I'm becoming convinced that we have some kind of biblical miracle on our hands here. I suspect that the bacon is somehow regenerating at the same phenomenal rate that our family eats it. I tried to hire 3 separate private investigators to help us figure this out, but two of them laughed at me and the other was a Muslim. I installed a mini-cam to record the bacon at all times, but, every time we close the refrigerator door, the light goes out and we get nothing but an empty screen. Counting is out of the question. My wife refused to participate, my son and I cannot count bacon strips without getting dizzy and extremely hungry, and my daughter seems to take great delight in counting them only in Spanish. I could try and translate what she's saying, but who can concentrate around all that uncooked bacon? It's a conundrum destined to outlive me and my kin.
So, we've got the bacon that sticks around no matter how much effort we put into making it disappear. It's kind of like Paris Hilton, only it's bacon. Bacon that stays. Staycon? That sounds too much like "Steakon" which would combine two of the world's greatest meat products; steak and bacon. Since Filet Mignon already holds that title, it probably wouldn't work out too well.
Also, this bacon is probably the best non-peppered bacon I have ever masticated. Ribald sounding, wasn't that? Relax, it basically means "chewed." I'm not sure I would call it a synonym, though. Can you imagine telling some one "Yeah, man, my boss caught me sleeping at my desk and really masticated me out for it." It is tasty, though. It satisfies and there's plenty of it. Did I mention how friggin' much of this bacon there seems to be?
Jake got about 15 minutes with his coffee and muffin. I have 20 minutes every Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning for the rest of my life (apparently) to enjoy.
The moral of this story? Never, under any circumstances, ask your husband to write your blog for you unless you are prepared for the consequences...and...bacon.